I’ve fallen back in love with the Internet.

A few months ago, Google dumped me. The blog software that runs TateHausman.com (Wordpress) had become infected with all sorts of spam-generating code. Malicious bots or hackers or viruses had weaseled their way deep into my website. They started spewing out all kinds of ugliness — credit card spam, refinancing spam, online poker spam, you name it.

To Google, it seemed like I’d become a different person. I wasn’t the same lovable blogger as when we first met. “You’re different,” Google told me. “You spend all day generating penis keywords. You never have anything nice to say. You don’t bring me flowers anymore.”

So Google dumped me. A few months ago, when you Googled “Tate Hausman,” TateHausman.com was the first result. Now TateHausman.com doesn’t even show up!

For months, I was depressed. Who wouldn’t be, after getting dumped by Google? The worst part was, I didn’t know how to win Google back. I tried every spurned lover trick in the book. I read the advice columns (”Google Help for Webmasters”). I started exercising (my anti-spam plugins). I cleaned up and got a new look (upgraded to Wordpress 2.6) I even went a couple times to church (of SEO).

Nothing worked. I couldn’t win my spiteful Google back.

Finally, I tried one last desperate act: I went to confessional. That is, the Wordpress.com support forums. There I laid bare my sins. “I let evil into my code,” I confessed. “I can’t do anything right. Help me, oh merciful web gods!”

I must have sounded pathetic, because a very kind soul responded to my plea. Screen name Whooami, a frequent poster at the Wordpress support forums. Whooami (who asked to remain anonymous in this post) offered a bunch of friendly suggestions for winning Google back. But they were beyond my technical skill level. I needed some real help. I asked for it.

Whooami offered to take a look at my code. It was exactly the kind of help I needed. I looked up Whooami’s profile and decided I should take a leap of faith. I sent Whooami my login info, and offered a bounty if my site could be fixed. I had no idea what to expect. Was Whooami a hack? A fraud?

Within 48 hours, and before any money was exchanged, Whooami had gone through my entire site, stripped all the bad code, upgraded me AGAIN to a newer version of Wordpress, and helped me configure my security settings to keep the spambots out.

Wow. I promptly PayPaled Whooami $100, even though I didn’t really have to, I suppose. Whooami and I had no contract. It was a job done entirely on faith. Blind trust in the network. I could have gotten burned. Whooami could have taken my login info and installed even more malicious code, or erased TateHausman.com from the map. Instead, I got exactly what I wanted — another chance with Google.

No, Google hasn’t come back to me quite yet. I still haven’t been re-indexed and accelerated to the top of the search pile. But nobody said that winning back an ex was easy!

And no matter what happens with Google, I’ve fallen back in love with the Internet. Where else can you post a desperate plea, meet an angel named Whooami, and have your problem solved in 48 hours for $100?

So if you ever have any Wordpress or spambot or security problems on your website, don’t be afraid to ask Whooami for help. I would be happy to give you Whooami’s email address for you to get directly in contact … with HER!

(Yeah, a female anti-spam white hat hacker … how awesome is that?)